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In an intimate or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire creates some of the sexiest moments. If you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters. Someone who does not pay attention to what you want, or disregards your feelings, is unlikely to be an ideal partner. And when someone says or shows that they’re not up for it (this time or ever), they too are taking care of their own needs and wishes, and we get to respond in ways that honour their choice.

Less that, more this That’s not my thing—but you are Would you like to…? If it doesn’t feel right, say something Let’s talk about what you’re into That’s not for me—how about [this]? I need to postpone sexytime I’m glad you feel able to change your mind How good is it for you if I…? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried? How can I make this even better for you? Firmer touch? Just right? Gentler? No problem—I’m relieved you can say it We’ll hold off—thanks for taking care of yourself Sexy snuggles orsleepy snuggles? “More like this?” “Yes, like that!” You don’t seem super-keen, so I’ll take that as a no Still good with this? Keep going?

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